Monday, May 23, 2011

My butt in a rutt...

Wayne's View Photography
At 30, I would have hardly imagined my life as it is today. Honestly, the idea of being married & having a little girl was seriously so off my radar, like Area 51... Here it is, 5 years later and I am married to a wonderful man (our anniversary is approaching ;) I know you read this Stephen, so consider yourself reminded! - not that he'd, with a beautiful baby girl, who's almost 6 months old and already has 2 of the cutest teeth I have ever seen! Ok, Joshua, who is 15, has a bunch of teeth too, albeit, they used to provide a fair amount of thrill back in the day, but now they just cost me money to It's been quite a crazy 3 years since Stephen and I met up for a night at the golf range. So many changes in my life, and most of them positive...

Last night Preggers!

While I was pregnant with Gabriella, I dreamt of the day I could lace up my shoes and really get back into training... get back into tip top shape - I was convinced that I would be back in bikini form by March (feasible right?) Well here it is May, end of May, and I am not really feeling the whole bikini thing... honestly, I haven't been to the pool yet this season (well outside of swimming laps at the college),and it's almost Memorial Day! I looked at suits this weekend, and to spare myself the breakdown that swimsuits bring, (even when in prime condition), I decided to just keep moving along...

So under some delusion, I really felt like I wouldn't be the 'I just had a baby' lady, because I am not really sure how long I can get away with it. She is almost 6 months, and I know me, I haven't yet gotten to that level of seriousness. I mean, I talk the game, I know what needs to be done, but I haven't quite reached that point. I have a lot of excuses, and I know I am not alone! I have a treadmill, elliptical and resistance machine IN my house. I also have a hubby that turns to me Thursday night and says, 'Why don't you go for a run?'. I mean, I totally did - logged 5 miles, not too shabby - but something has been holding me back, and lord knows I am usually untamed when it comes to being active. So what gives?

Totally worth every pound ;)
I will admit to one thing, guilt. Yes, I have this feeling of guilt. At the end of the day when I should be dedicating at least an hour to my running, or weights, or whatever physical activity it may be... I feel like I should be home, not just home, but involved. It's not easy to be a working mom. I see her at 5am for her feeding, then the drop off at daycare is at 7:30am. I don't see her again until 5:30pm, and she is usually rocked out by 7:30pm. I live for the weekends, just to hang out with her. I guess a part of me just wants to be able to have it all... paycheck, plus family time, plus workouts...

I know I am not alone on this, I know there has to be other parents who are struggling to find the balance of it all... I want to get back to feeling awesome about myself, without it being at the expense of my family... lord knows there was a time when I'd wake up at 4am and work out for almost 2 hours every morning (later on the weekends) and man, I was solid... but the reality is, I am tired. Maybe just a smidge lazy, but overall, I just have misplaced my zest... anyone seen my zest? There is a reward for it... no there really isn't, but I need to find it ASAP!

If there is one thing I have learned about myself is this - If I tell people I am going to do something, I do it. So here I am, announcing my commitment to myself. I am going to design my fitness plan, and my cleaner eating plan (notice I said cleaner? yeah, I should have been a lawyer), and make these changes! I have to work on my health and fitness...and try not to feel so bad about it... selfish? I hope not. crap, there's the guilt again...


  1. You can do it, Hope!!! I empathize with you, I am having the same issue, but mine are 8 and 12 - ugh :) time to get my butt moving! :)

  2. Sometimes you just have to redefine "being good" or "doing well." So your goals and priorities have changes - so what? I think instead of trying to impose too many artificial goals (I will be a size X!), I do better when I look around at what I do when I work without goals. It's like intuitive eating - when you give yourself permission to stop trying to meet a perfect goal, you can focus on eating or doing what you really want and can be happy with whatever choice you make. So what about bikini season? You get to spend a couple more hours a day with your sweet baby girl - and maybe that's the "real" goal you need to achieve today!

  3. The life of a mom. Doesn't sound like a rut to me - sounds like you do a lot of extraordinary stuff every day. My kids are teenagers now and at times I still have a hard time keeping up with my personal goals and workouts. I've learned to get over the feeling that a workout isn't a workout unless it's a big workout - I go out walking a lot in the morning or evening (you can take your baby!), or on hikes with the family. The fresh air always does me good and it keeps me from completely turning to mush.

    Good luck with your new adventures as a fitness professional!

    visiting from Voiceboks - we have a lot in common. I've been in the fitness industry for 20 years. (yikes!)

  4. Hi, so I randomly stumbled onto your blog and can't help but comment. I too am a Hope born in 1975. I too have two kiddos and loving hubby. And I too can relate to this blog entry word for word. My kids are 6yrs old and 16-months old. I was in rockin shape before my 16-month old daughter was born. I had HUGE plans of running throughout my pregnancy and being the amazing woman. Didn't really happen. I was kinda, sorta active but not the amazing running preggo goddess I had dreamed of. My dreams changed to "ok, I'll be that awesome mom that runs with her baby." Well, sort of. I ran some while I was on maternity leave, but when I went back to work I was hard pressed to run. The summer was hot, I was tired, the baby was up and eatting several times a night, teeth were popping up all over the place, my son was starting kindergarten...... I mean really!?!? give me a time machine to stop time, go on a run and then start it up again so I don't miss even more of my family life and I'll get out there! Over time I decided it was ok. It's ok to choose my family first. I know the whole thing that we need to give back to ourselves. If we don't take care of ourselves we can't truly give to your families, but the guilt is overwhelming. and two fold.... you feel guilty for taking even a second away from the kids and the hubby and then you feel guilty for not taking the time for yourself. Here my reality: I see my daughter for a maxium of 3 hours a day. 3 hours! WTF. I see my son for possibly 4 hours a day. I'm going to cut myself a little slack and know that chosing them is ok. I'm not going to set myself for failure or emotional badgering. It's unrealistic to think I'm going to (or at least when my daughter was 6 months old) get up at 5am and run or work out. Mama is tired! And mama has no control of when and how that baby will wake up. At about my daughter's first birthday things leveled off a little more for me personally and I was able to start setting a schedule that took my fitness needs a little more into consideration. Again, it was nothing like training for a marathon but it was this week I'm going to get out there 3 days. Now at 16-months I can sacrifice some sleep in the morning because she generally is a good sleeper at night. but on the nights we have issues I try to remember, this time will be short. There's no wrong choice between yourself/your fitness or you kids/family. And "balance" doesn't necessarily mean "equal".

    I know, I'm sure this seems like an odd post from a total stranger. I wish for you a great nights sleep, health, and happiness and happy running.

  5. Thanks everyone for your perspectives... I have managed to try to gain some balance, and continue to work on my inner battles with fitness & family... Gabriella has been sleeping well - waking around 630am, so I have gotten out to run in the morning a few times. Since she likes to fall asleep around 730pm, I have also gone for some evening runs as well... I am also going to take advantage of my lunch hour and fit in some cross training - so I am not missing out on my home time :)

    It's a big adjustment to make, a 'new' mom all over again after so many years... When I had Joshua, I was in the Army so I had no choice but to run at least 3 days a week!

    Hope - I really had to pause for a second, it's so rare for me to hear from another Hope :) Parallel lives on opposites coasts... weird yet very cool!